Recently on YouTube, I watched a video on dang network about Olamide “Iconola” Agunloye, and it got me really thinking. The video was about how she remained in a toxic relationship for years, and how she got out eventually. Prior to this, one of my friends had also requested I write a post on this particular topic. After reading extensively and watching a lot of videos on true life stories, I am sure this post will be beneficial to you whether you are in a toxic relationship or not.
We know anything that has to do with “toxic” should be bad, so toxic relationships are relationships that are bad for us. From the outside, it is so easy to say you can never be caught dead in a toxic relationship, that immediately you see any sign, you are out. Most of the people in such relationships never thought in their wildest dreams they would have to go through such.
I will firstly like to mention some of the major signs to show you are in a toxic relationship, and also why people find it hard to leave such relationships even after realizing how unfavorable these relationships are to them.
Signs you are in a toxic relationship
1. Matters do not get resolved: When most of the time you both don’t get matters resolved, you (or both of you) avoid saying what you need/feel because there is really no point saying it. You are discussing a particular matter, you are discussing what you think, it leads to another argument, you can’t say all you need to say, you just round up the argument because it is turning out worse than you imagined. Then you are left with the need of insecurity, anger, and so on because you have a lot of things on your mind you didn’t say. This is really unhealthy.
2. Abuse: Physical abuse is not most likely the first sign, it might come after a whole lot of mental abuse. Making you feel you are not enough by things your partner says on a regular basis, making you feel you should be grateful you are the one they chose, making you feel you can’t get someone better, making you feel they are doing you a huge favor by staying with you, and so on. It is a matter of time you start believing this, and you start being grateful despite the feeling of being incomplete, insecure, jealous, and so on. You are just grateful there is someone who is willing to accept you.
So, when the physical abuse starts happening, it takes more than just accepting that it is wrong to get out. The mind is already messed up.
There are still a lot of signs, I just tried to encompass them in the two points above. You can read more through this link.
Why you might find it hard to leave toxic relationships
Most toxic relationships start on a very good note, almost always the envy of others. People already overhyped the relationship, that even when you start having small problems, you find it difficult to tell anybody because you feel they think you can handle it. Before you know it, the small matters start developing into big matters, and you still feel the same way.
There is a line that when you cross it, it is hard to get out. It is like sexual abuse, you keep quiet too long, you forget what it is like to have a voice. Also, when the mental abuse starts, you feel there is nothing out there that is better, you feel you are not lucky as other people, you feel this is your burden and it is your responsibility to carry it.
So, before you expect people who are obviously in toxic relationships to leave just like that, think twice. It is not as easy as you see it, they most likely are not seeing it in the light you are seeing it from the outside.
What can I do if I am in one?
Find someone to talk to, preferably a family member. You need to talk to someone. You have to talk to someone. When you listen to yourself when you are talking to somebody sincerely, it becomes more of a reality, you see the situation in a different light. Peradventure you have been talking to somebody before, maybe you should try talking to someone new.
If you are staying together with the person, you have to leave, even if it is for a while. If you are not staying with the person, create distance. Intentionally stay away from the person, protect your sanity.
You should also pray. This is the first thing to do actually, at all times. Pray for peace especially, there is something with the peace of mind. You need to experience it to understand it. After all, what works for A might not work for B, only prayer can lead us right.
Have you been in a toxic relationship? Are you out of it? How did you do it?
We will like to hear and learn from you. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.